The Art of Saying Thank You
Why is it that when a colleague, a coworker, or a friend gives us a compliment, we dismiss the gesture like we are avoiding the plague (or maybe COVID-19!)?
And, I get it because I used to dodge compliments left and right too. Even small things like when someone would tell me they like my earrings… nothing too crazy, but every single nice gesture I would brush off.
Apparently, I am not alone because Christopher Littlefield, founder of Acknowledgment Works, found that even though 88% of people associated recognition with the feeling of being valued, about 70% of people associate the process of recognition with embarrassment.
And, this is exactly what I felt too: shocked, embarrassment, and uncomfortable.
Especially, when I was deep in the weeds of people pleasing.
When someone gave me a complement, I immediately would get awkward, change the conversation, never accept it, and would say in my own head “that person is just trying to be nice, but they don’t really mean it.”
I would shrug off compliments faster than I would even allow them to process in my own head.
And, on the exact contrary: I was often the first to provide compliments to friends and family too.
I so badly wanted everyone around me to be happy, that I would give way more compliments then necessary….
Looking back at those years, I regret how I managed compliments, both giving and receiving them.
Nowadays, I operate compliments very differently.
Because when someone gives you a compliment it is for a few reasons:
1. It is more about them, not just you. They want to recognize you for something that you did.
2. What you did or said was impactful for them.
3. They are trying to be genuine and thoughtful.
4. With burnout being so incredibly high right now, maybe they want you to feel appreciated.
5. They actually care about you as a human and want to see you succeed. Shocking, right?
6. They want others to know how they feel about you. Giving a public shout out or reviews and testimonials on my website allow others to see the benefit of working with me. It is not bragging if they are all facts, right?
Reasons Why We Avoid Compliments:
1. We are taught to be humble. From a young age, we are taught to not brag about ourselves and to work hard. To put your head down and just get the work done.
2. We are a people pleasers. We just want to be liked by everyone!! People pleasers have a really hard time accepting that someone else is saying and doing something nice for THEM, and not the other way around.
3. We are taught to be givers, not receivers or takers. There is actually a book about givers and takers, and as part of the book the author, Adam Grant, defines that you are either a giver or a taker. This in itself shows that it might be difficult for you to switch back and forth from being a giver and/or a taker.
4. Insecurity. We feel uncomfortable or awkward receiving a nice gesture because we don’t even feel that way about ourselves.
5. Lack of confidence. We don’t believe the compliment is even true, so we brush it off without even thinking twice!! Hello, imposter syndrome!!
Moving forward in your career (and life) journey, I want to encourage you to LEAN IN and learn how to accept a compliment with more grace.
Accepting a compliment from someone is important because your body is in tune to how you are feeling about yourself. Especially if you want to work on elevating your confidence. Your body needs to know WHY you should trust and believe in yourself, and receiving a compliment is a perfect way to start nurturing your body in an easy way!
It is so simple once you have the tools in your toolbox.
What to Say and How to Accept a Compliment:
1. “Thank you!”
2. “Thank you so much!”
3. “It makes me so happy to hear my hard work benefited you.”
4. “Wow – I had no idea you felt this way. Thank you so much!”
5. “Thank you, it makes my day to hear that.”
6. “I love that - I really put a lot of thought into this, thank you for noticing.”
7. “I really appreciate you noticing my efforts. Thank you.”
8. “It feels good to be recognized and thank you for going above and beyond to express this.”
9. “I appreciate you, thank you!”
10. Smile + “This means so much to me, thank you!”
Moreover: Now a days when clients, colleagues, or friends say something nice to me, I do a few things differently:
1. I keep the thank you note in a special box (or inbox if it is email) and review the compliments often… especially if I am having a bad day. I hold the compliment over my heart, and take a deep breath in. I allow the compliment to be RECEIVED, rather than shrugged off. I feel the positivity flowing through my blood - it sounds woo-woo, but it WORKS!
2. I never brush off a compliment, I always say thank you.
3. I give compliments because I WANT to, not because I feel like I HAVE to.
Most importantly, pay attention to how you and others react to compliments and try using some of the responses above.
After a few weeks, you may find that it is not that hard to just say, thank you!
And most importantly - Remember: You are never alone. Receiving a compliment is NOT selfish!
Please reach out to me directly @ hello@rxashlee.com, if you need support in removing your people pleaser tendencies!
XX
Ash
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