The Black Sheep in the Family: Enmeshment & Differentiation
With the holidays in full swing + managing end of the year expectations from work + COVID on the rise, it is important we discuss what appropriate boundaries look like with managing all-of-the-things in this exact moment.
Now, more than ever, I have noticed that my clients are feeling the burn in navigating their careers, plus managing the additional stressors of family expectations plus COVID restrictions.
From learning how to articulate their value in a high stakes meeting, such as an interview, or trying to communicate effectively with their boss or their teams – NOW more than ever we need to develop the tools and strategies on how to thrive inside our career (& in our personal life!).
With this intention, I want to introduce to you two definitions that have recently come up in conversations I’ve had with multiple clients: Enmeshment & Differentiation.
Enmeshment is a psychological term that describes a blurring of boundaries between people, typically family members or work teams. Enmeshment often contributes to dysfunction in relationships, burnout at work, unclear expectations, codependency, and may lead to a lack of autonomy and independence that can become problematic. Enmeshment occurs when personal boundaries are unclear or there is essentially a lack of any boundary to begin with. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other's emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member or team member does as well. Essentially when you are in an enmeshed situation, there are no boundaries, no roadmap for success, and no clear expectations from you or your team members. There is an unspoken message that you just need to “do it this way” or you are on the out.
Differentiation is when a person in the relationship (in that enmeshment relationship, especially) begins to take note of the enmeshment and starts to blaze their own path. The differentiator is one who recognizes the issue, is aware of the problem lack of boundaries has, and decides to step out. When you differentiate yourself, you are not removing all ties - you simply decide enough is enough, and it is time to build up appropriate expectations & begin blazing your own way of managing your career & life.
Let’s be crystal clear here: Differentiators are my kind of people.
While these definitions typically refer to family dynamics, I believe there is a crossover to the workplace as well.
Have you ever experienced this enmeshment at work? Where you were expected to know something, just because it’s “always been that way?” I have, and it is not OKAY.
3 steps on how to blaze your own trail as a Differentiator:
Get crystal clear on what success looks like to you. Define what are you exactly working towards? Get back to your roots, and get crystal clear on what is most important to you (and no one else!).
Focus on your own unique value proposition. What makes you different from the rest? This, right here, is your secret sauce. What makes you different is what will set you apart from the rest. This is gold, do not lose sight of this!
Surround yourself with other “Differentiators” and trail-blazers. Remove yourself from toxicity or from people who do not believe in you or your idea of success. At the very least reprioritize the people in your life who are holding you back. It is time to RISE UP, and get comfortable being uncomfortable if you want to create a lasting legacy that you are proud of.
Now is not the time to succumb or play victim to blurry boundaries. Now more than ever we need to own our worth, and prioritize our limited time and energy.
If you fit in the category of differentiator, please take note: you ALWAYS have a seat at the RX Ashlee table.
Join us on Sunday December 13th @ 5pmPST-6:30pmPST as we focus on tools, techniques, & strategies on how to thrive in 2021. This is NOT a goal setting workshop, in fact, I should call it the anti-goal workshop for 2021! Our focus will be on how to set your year up for success by building better habits month-by-month - starting with Q1 of 2021. I've been running this workshop for four years, and this is the first time I am opening up to EVERYONE! Bring your friends :) Click HERE to Enroll
Always with you,
Ashlee
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Ashlee Klevens Hayes, PharmD, MHA
Career Expert + Interview Prep Coach
e: HELLO@RXASHLEE.COM
(SHE/HER/HERS)
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